Encyclopedia · For the people around it

Family of someone who is drinking — what actually helps

Most of the recovery industry is set up for the drinker. The people around them — the spouse on the stairs at midnight, the parent listening to the front door, the child working out which version of mum is home tonight — are mostly handed a leaflet and sent away. This is the longer version of that leaflet.

Start here: this is not your fault, and it is not your job to fix

You did not cause it. You cannot control it. You cannot cure it. Those three lines are corny because they are true. The trap is that loving someone who drinks turns you, slowly, into a person whose whole nervous system is organised around their next drink. That is the bit that needs care, and it is the bit that almost nothing in the system is set up to give you.

The four UK organisations that exist for you, named

Al‑Anon Family Groups UK

Twelve-step, free, in-person and online meetings across the country. For the partners, parents, adult children and friends of people who drink. The fellowship version of “you are not alone”. Some people find the framework helpful immediately; some find it slow. Either way it costs nothing to try a meeting. al-anonuk.org.uk.

Adfam

UK charity specifically for families affected by someone else’s drug or alcohol use. Resource library, helplines, family support groups. Less fellowship, more practical. adfam.org.uk.

NACOA — the National Association for Children of Alcoholics

For anyone who grew up in a house where a parent drank, at any age, including grown adults still working it out forty years later. Helpline, email support, resources for children currently living it. nacoa.org.uk.

Drinkline (UK national)

Free, confidential, for the drinker or anyone affected. 0300 123 1110, weekdays 9am–8pm, weekends 11am–4pm. Useful for the practical “what do I do tonight” question.

CRAFT — the approach worth knowing about

Community Reinforcement and Family Training. Evidence-based, and almost no one in the UK has heard of it. It teaches the family member specific behaviours that, on average, raise the chance of the drinker engaging with help, and at the same time improve the family member’s own wellbeing. It is not enabling. It is not a confrontation. It is a third option that the British system rarely offers and you have to mostly find privately. The book to start with is “Get Your Loved One Sober” by Robert Meyers.

The practical questions, plainly

Should I do an intervention?

Probably not the kind on television. Confrontational interventions have a poor evidence base and frequently make things worse. CRAFT-style, slow, structured family work has a better one.

Should I leave?

That is not a question this page can answer. It is a question for a therapist who works with families of addiction, plus, if relevant, a solicitor. The point is that you are allowed to be asking it. Many spouses spend years feeling guilty for asking it. Asking it is sane.

Should I pour the drink away?

No. They will buy more, and you have just become the enemy. Save the energy for the longer game.

Should I cover for them at work?

Less than you currently are. The cover-up extends the runway. The runway is what they are still flying on.

What about the children?

Talk to them, age-appropriately. Children know. They always know. Pretending that they do not is the thing that does the long damage. NACOA has age-appropriate resources. Use them.

You, in all of this

Living with someone who is drinking is a full-time low-grade emergency. It rewires sleep, eating, attention, sex, friendships. It makes you brittle in ways you will not notice until you are out of it. The thing that helps is having a place where the conversation is not about them. Al‑Anon does this. So does therapy with someone who knows family-of-addict work specifically.

You are allowed to put on your own oxygen mask. You are required to. Otherwise there are two patients in the room and one trolley.

A note from me

I am the drinker, not the family member. My family stayed. I am here because of that, and because of the work I did. I will not pretend to know your inside-of-the-house better than you do. What I know is what it looked like from the other chair, and which of these resources my family used and rated. The bot will surface them when you ask, and will say plainly when you have come to a door I cannot answer for. x

Written by James. Sober since June 2020. Not a clinician, not a therapist, not a sponsor. The patient who paid the fee, did the work, and lived the years that followed. Last reviewed April 2026. Nothing here is medical advice. Talk to your GP about anything that involves your body.